So I’ve been faced with some interesting choices this week. After a year and 2 months, almost exactly, man SO graduated from rehab after the infamous meth induced hit and run two Christmas’s ago. Naturally, we planned to celebrate. So I tentatively brought the issue up with my therapist (who offers her services free of charge to junkies at the needle exchange a couple blocks from here. I’m telling you, you just slam a spike in your veins 5, 8 10 times a day, you get all kinds of free service!). I told her it has been almost a year exactly since we have done meth, and what a HUGE difference it has made in my life. She obviously tried to get me to see the bad side of using meth, which isn’t hard to do when you’ve lost your life to it twice in the last ten years. But to her credit, it’s the only time she’s ever tried to talk me out of using any drug, and that was only because she is blatantly aware of the risk is poses to me, and she see’s how dramatically better I am now. So, I told her I would think about it and not make up my mind yet and talk with her next Tuesday about it some more. Well, that was all fine and dandy, until meth was brought into my house yesterday. But it has given me a lot to think about. And then I remembered this post. I thought I would re-live the situation. Originally posted on Jan 8, 2013, I didn’t quit heroin for 14 days until April sometime (also the last time I relapsed on meth, that same weekend). I took some more time off throughout the summer (quite a bit actually for Phish terre) and then right before Dick’s Sporting Goods (Labor Day Weekend) I quit heroin for 30 something days. But at this point in time I was completely blind to the fact that meth and had completely taken over my life. We did actually put it down on January 17th. We picked it back up for Superbowl weekend last year. And then didn’t touch it again until April, when I did 14 days off H. We were only supposed to do it for three days, but of course that turned into two weeks. But it’s been 11 full months since we last used it. (until this week now, of course). Lets see if I can even remember how bad it actually was. So, it’s been 11 months.Do I even still have a meth pipe?? (thank goodness I don’t need one, my veins are in great shape since I quit that shit! haha)
GD! It’s 6am, I’ve been lying in bed for hours hitting the pookie, smoking a little meth. Been dreading the morning, since it will be my first morning without H in Lord knows how long. I’ve made the commitment once again (but this time by my own free will and volition) to quit my sweet Brown Sugar for 12 days. (Maybe 14, we’ll see how I feel by the end of the 12 days). My SO is quitting for way longer, (like around a year) and I’m trying to be respectful. This was his last day for meth (his weak spot at the moment) so he wanted to do it till the last minute, which I normally would too. But now all I want is to feel that lustful sensation of a spike penetrating my veins, and that beautiful sight of a red plume bursting through the syringe filling in any air pockets, and giving you the signal of quick relief and release.
Of course those are the good days. Perfect shots, like you have in a fresh arm, ripe for the slamming. And thank goodness I had two in a row, deposit a nasty meth miss and an abscess currently. Yesterday I spent three hours trying to find a place for one fix without any luck, and by that time I’d split my shot into two syringes because of the amount and thickness of blood, drained half a syringe of blood clots, and IMing was out of the question.
*just FYI for those that don’t know…. you can’t IM a shot with too much blood in it. Your body doesn’t know what to do with that much blood, and trust me the outcome isn’t pretty. Last time, left upper arm was swelled up and it was oh so painfully sore for what seemed like ages. But better than a lot of abscesses I’ve had.*
Times like that, where I poke for hours and hours, wasting much of the day, ripping apart my arms/hands/legs/feet/neck/whatever, that I curse it, and wonder why I do such things. But then, barely 2 hours later, I’m thinking about prepping my next shot. And no matter how much I swore I wasn’t going to IV, ‘I’ll IM this time – I swear!‘ And – whatcha know – before you can say Bob’s Your Uncle, I’m swinging my arm to pump blood into it and tying off.
So… I’m facing the morning without heroin. Without IVing. Without my morning sex practically. That orgasmic sensation that allows me to check my inbox, make my calls, face my colleagues and generally get on with my day.
So, here I am, it’s 6:30 in the morning now, smoking meth. Meh, it’s not doing much for me, but I knew it wouldn’t. I wasn’t going to sleep anyway, so what’s the harm?
I have my drug therapy appointment today at 1p. I haven’t told her about my commitment yet. I know she’ll be happy. I hope I can do it. You can always find junk outside the center (The Center for Harm Reduction, it’s also the Needle Exchange). Hope I have the will power.
So reader be warned. You are about to witnesses 2 weeks of an already certifiable nut case quit Heroin. It may not be a pretty site… (maybe I’ll keep you updated with pictures.) But it might lead to some interesting blogs. If I’m obsessed with drugs when I’m on them, the obsession is tri-fold when I’m kicking. But hopefully my arms will get some healing time in!
And since I’m doing this for moi and only moi… I will be completely honest with my progress. In fact, I’ll even make this a little wager. The first person to subscribe and accurately post to my blog their guess on when I’ll cave and first use again, wins a price. Price TBA, but it will be something cool…. like your very own drug travel kit (tailored around your Drug of Choice!). Maybe a subscription to the Heroin of the Month Club…. which I’ll post in a moment.
Or a signed copy of a classic Heroin book. Or something similar (obviously, if you don’t do drugs, we’ll think of something else, like some certified used panties or sox designed by yours truly. I also make organic body oils and lotions. Mostly for healing track marks, but really just for healthy skin. As well as jewelry focusing around wire work, unique stones (like jade or lapis lazuli) and bead stitching… so I’ll customize the prize to fit your taste. And I’ll be 100% truthful. So go ahead…. start your bids. Remember, I go to the Harm Reduction center (walking through Skid Row and the Midnight Mission there and back again at 1p today. Great places for balloons, which I may have been known to pick up now and again 😉 lol.
But for now, I’m still facing my first morning getting out of bed to a stark, cold reality. There aren’t even any sharps in the house if I did find that magic nugget. But enough of that self-pitying and whining. Lookout for my next post later today. Topic: Unknown!
Now to see if I can get an hour of sleep in before the SO wakes up, so we can get up together, and drink mounds of coffee to start this sobriety thing.Wish me luck 🙂
Peace, Love & Rock n Roll :
The funny thing about re-reading this now…. I had no idea how much of a fuck up my life was. I was still completely convincing myself that I was living a normal life. Even though I hadn’t held a steady job in over six months, none of my friends were talking to me and my parents were worried sick about me. Especially because I never called them on Christmas Day when I was supposed to be landing at the airport near them, but in reality my boyfriend was in jail facing multiple felony counts and I was trying to figure out how to score my next bag. Even typing it I can’t believe that was only a year ago (1 year, 2 months & 2 weeks, I guess). Yet, at that time, I was concerned about the heroin and not about the tweak. I know a billion people who would want to jump down my throat for not thinking that heroin fucks up your life – I know it does. But nothing compared to tweak. I just had to remove myself from that picture long enough to see it clearly. Thank goodness. Thank goodness he got caught. I don’t think either of us would have stopped voluntarily for a much, much longer time.