Have you ever had an epiphany or sudden realization that something you always believed in, that you simply took for fact, was actually 100%, indisputably wrong? Something so important to you that is shook you to your core and made you rethink your entire life and everything you stood for and worked for? It’s a very harrowing experience. It hasn’t happened to me often. I think maybe one other time, but in that case it was simply a matter of learning life wasn’t always what your parents taught you it was. This latest realization is something that basically debunks almost all of the work that I put into this blog. Which, if any of you realized how much work I actually do put into the blog, you might question my sanity.
When I started blog, I had no idea where I wanted it to go. It started as a three part series on the Silk Road and how to use it, but I didn’t know where it was to go from there. It didn’t take long before it started to take form, although I had no idea it would become what it is today with such a large viewership from all over the world. But the from early on I knew I wanted to accomplish two primary goals. I wanted to 1.) Reach out to other addicts and create a non-judgmental community where people who were using heroin or who were set on using heroin could come and ask questions and read other people’s stories about their heroin experiences and most importantly, learn the safest way to do this very dangerous, and too frequently fatal drug. There was an appalling lack of honest, blunt, non-biased information on the web about heroin. Most of it was basically, “Don’t do this drug, it’s for losers.” But what if you are content being a loser and are dead set on doing it anyway? Shouldn’t you be able to learn the truth about what it is, how it effects your body, your health, your soul and your life? Shouldn’t you be able to find out how to go about it as safe as possible? I would hope that even parents would agree that if their child is going to use heroin, they should use it as safe as possible to prevent any fatal mistakes. If we all went with stereotypes and hearsay, most people would be mainlining heroin the first time they tried it (as I did, because I didn’t have a guide like this where I could learn about different options). But there are many safer alternatives these days that need to be discussed in order to reduce overdoses and harmful health risks, as well as ways that we can prevent overdoses that didn’t exist before. This was the most important of the two goals that I had.
My other goal was more for the general public, the non-heroin using crowd. I wanted to tell the story of a real heroin addict and what life was actually like for someone addicted to this very disliked drug. Although it was only the experience of one addict, and each addict is going to have their own unique experience with the affliction of being a heroin addict, I could only honestly tell my experience with heroin and how it affected (or inflicted) my life. I knew that most the general population would immediately write me off as being in denial or trying to glamorize heroin, when viewing this site at first glance. But I hoped there was enough non-users out there who were less judgemental and interested enough to read my blog with a open mind. Life as a heroin addict isn’t always what you imagine it to be. And it was my belief that I was not alone in not fitting the typical junky mold. I was not a thief, not homeless, not a degenerate, I had a job, I had a home, I had friends and a family who loved me and a great relationship. For a long time, I never really had any other heroin addict friends, with the exception of my dearly departed and a few acquaintances I had made through him. I had tried very hard to hide my use. Until, of course my infamous internet scandal took all that privacy away from me and I was outed, against my will and in a very cruel and salacious manner, to the world as a mainlining heroin addict. An event which inevitably changed my life. But now that it is all said and done, I feel it did change my life for the better. It gave me the freedom to be open to everybody about everything, despite being mortified and humiliated. I was given an opportunity to come complete clean to everybody in my life, including my parents about my drug use. There were no more secrets, not from work, not from my past lover or current friends and not from my family (who actually found out about it before I did and were the ones who the unfortunate tasks of breaking the news to me.) My parents are so much happier now that they always know the truth about my situation and are right there by my side as I struggle with the issue brought on by being a heroin addict and have been nothing but supportive and loving. They have been there for me too many times to count and exactly as many times as I have needed them, especially during the last two years which have been by far the most tumultuous time of my life. They wouldn’t want it another way and neither would I.
And thank goodness they were there for me, because if I had been alone during the last two years of my life (since Greg’s passing), I might not have made it this far. With my defenses down, my world exposed and my zest for life smothered by grief and despair, my world expanded to include the other side of heroin addiction and the type of people that it attracts. A world I had never been exposed to in the flesh. I learned a hard lesson I would have rather not known. Imaging discovering something you had based your whole life’s ideology on was a fallacy, and admitting that it was not true would be like admitting that a large portion of your life’s work had been in vein and that you were wrong about everything the whole time. It’s kinda one of the reasons I don’t want to face complete sobriety. If I admit that doing drugs was not the best idea, that it didn’t really work out for me in the end, then I’d basically be admitting that everything I stood for in life, everything I found important or interesting, all the pointless knowledge that I acquired about these illicit chemicals, their chemical makeup, interactions, RoA’s, pharmacology and then teaching people everything I had basically spent my life learning would not only be for naught, but might actually have been detrimental. To entertain the notion that it might all be a farce, would be crushing. I might as well have been focusing my time on the Illuminati and how they are truly running the world, and now I suppose the New World Order. (Btw, if any of you do believe in the Illuminati, I offer no apology. No more need be said.) It’s a step I’m just not ready to fully except yet. But I am willing to admit I was wrong about a few things.
I’ve spent the last, oh I don’t know five years now, (has it really been five years?) running this website, with these two primary goals, and a few minor secondary ones. And for the most part, that’s not going to change. To all you drug users out there, whether you have decided to use heroin or not, I have not changed my position at all. I still feel it is my responsibility to provide all the information I can to help you use heroin in the healthiest, least harmful ways possible and to provide you with the most information I can to help you make your own decisions. I still feel that there just isn’t enough knowledge or information available about heroin, a drug that you mainline into your bloodstream, crossing over the blood brain barrier, and causing serious physical and mental addiction that it’s basically impossible to prepare for. Yet most users can’t even tell you the process of how that all occurs, let alone how our veins react to repetitive injection or how our heart, circulation, serotonin levels or any number of other health risks are effected by daily heroin use (for injectors and non-injectors alike). I believe this is something I will always have a calling to do. This information needs to be imparted to those who take their health and their bodies seriously and who want to be as safe and prepared as possible. To the non-users, I have given you a glimpse into what the life of one, single, real-life heroin addict looks like, the good the bad and the ugly. I’ve shared with you my deepest fears, I’ve shared with you the emotional and legal pain it has brought into my life. I have also told you through creative writing and my daily haiku, on one hand how I could never live without heroin in my life with any satisfaction, and one the other, how it has slowly destroyed my life and taken everything that is good away from me. If you look at my body of work as a whole, there are a whole lot more posts about the negative consequences of heroin than the positive. But now that I’ve had a lot more exposure to larger groups of heroin addicts, it appears I was living with some false assumptions. My belief was that there was a group of heroin addicts out there like me who didn’t steal, didn’t lie, lived productive lives, had real jobs and families and social standing, but still managed to maintain their heroin use. It’s very hard for me to admit and I’m quite embarrassed to say so, but I feel I must admit where I was wrong. Almost every junky stereotype is 100% percent true. Almost every single addict I have met, with the exception of a notable few (thank goodness) has demonstrated repeatedly that they are perfect examples of selfish junky losers we all grew up hearing about. Every one, almost without exemption has stolen from me (to a laughable, “haha the jokes on me” degree), lied (I mean, they are CHRONIC liars who either don’t realize how bad they are at lying or still haven’t learned that all lies eventually end up bad for the perpetrator.) They all are habitual self-deflecting blamers, “Oh poor me, look what the world did to me to put me in the position. Everybody is to blame for all my faults but me!” But what I find the most despicable of all, is the general attitude that no one, not a soul, not one person on this gigantic globe should ever achieve any success in life, less their failure be amplified and their lives left exposed for the shallow, worthless, unfulfilling travesties that they are. They have out of control, unjustified entitlement issues, “I deserve what’s yours simply because you have it and I want it.” There doesn’t seem to be any more logic behind it than that. This obviously leads to rampant, unremorseful thievery from anyone, friend, foe, acquaintance, stranger, family member, sponsor, anyone at all. They cannot stand seeing another person happy, especially another junky that is trying to clean up their act and get their life back on track. This is just the ultimate insult. Like if someone else is to straighten their life out and clean up, it’s a personal affront on them and the fact that they have not chosen that path. They will literally try to talk others out of their good goals and pull them back into the stink pile that is their own lives. It’s one of the worst displays of human interaction that I’ve yet to witness. It shows not a drop of empathy, especially from someone who has gone down the same ugly road and seen the same shitty world, it shows selfishness beyond compare.
Of course, we all like to think of our situation as different, we aren’t the junky loser that the media so often depicts. We’re the good kind of heroin addict. And I would be amiss to say that I haven’t met a few who do defy these stereotypes and are able to rise above the muck and scum that make up the majority of addicts. I would like to think I am one of the few who tries, and succeeds at times, to rise above all that. But the question of denial always lurks in the back of my head as well. “Am I really different? If so why?” At this moment in time, I can say that I don’t resort to crime or illegal activity to fund my habit. But I have in the past. I can say that I have a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head. But I haven’t always. I’m no stranger to a tent, or the life of a criminal, and have spent time in jail because of it. But while I’ve dabbled and pushed the boundaries of my comfort level as a criminal, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that it is not a life that I could sustain. It is not who I am. It is not who I could ever be, with or without heroin.
I am the first to admit that heroin has made me do things and taken me to new lows that I would have never even dreamed I would approach. But there are certain limits in all of us that are not negotiable. Sex work is one of those things that you are either okay with or you are not. I know many men on both sides of the fence. Some are fine doing “gay for pay” as they call it, and some laugh at the ludicrous idea. They are both equally addicted. They both need to support a habit that is very expensive. They have both woken up dope sick and thought “I would do anything for a hit right now.” And throw a stone at a group of junkies (I know, lots of people would love to do that just for sport) and you’ll hit 10 people who will say, “You wake up sick enough one morning and you’ll do anything for a hit, including sucking cock.” But you will also hit ten people who wouldn’t even entertain the idea. I don’t know how many times someone has said to me, “If you were sick enough, you’d suck my cock.” Vulgar, I know, right? Now I’m not going to profess to being a saint, but if I was going to start sucking anyone’s cock for dope, I think sometime over the past 21 years I would have already come to that crossroad, and if the answer is still “Fuck off you asshole, take your dope and shove it.” I suspect that it will continue to be the same response for the rest of my junky career. No amount of heroin is going to change that. I’ve been as dope sick as it’s possible to be and I know which option I’d rather choose. Luckily, I’m resourceful and it’s never come down to cock sucking by demand or dope sickness, nor has it for many other addicts. It’s a line that is simply not crossed, or even considered.
That is an extreme example of the point I’m trying to make. When most people have their first experience with real addiction, they tend to have a general list of I’ll Never’s. “I’ll never inject.” “I’ll never inject in my hands.” “I’ll never inject in my neck.” “I’ll never steal money from my family.” “I’ll never let it interfere with my career.” And if you ask most addicts, one by one those barriers break down until they’ve suddenly done everything on their I’ll Never list and are faced with a whole new set of moral dilemmas. I never had an I’ll Never list, in terms of how far I’d go with the drug. I’ve always been balls to the wall with any chemical I’ve come across and am often the eager Guinea pig for any chemical experiments I come across. But I did have a set of moral boundaries I thought I’d never cross. For a long while I kept my morels in check, refusing to resort to any sort of crime to pay for my habit. Well, it’s no secret that I recently spent a stint in jail, and it wasn’t for mere heroin possession. I’m not sure if I mentioned this in the post that addressed my jail term, but I was arrested for five felonies, not even a year after Greg’s passing. I let his death excuse me from the values that I previously upheld. I turned numb to the world around me and that numbness is usually what gets everybody in the end, if they don’t pull themselves out of it. Heroin itself has a way of numbing you, even without a tragic event in your life. This is what makes heroin such a dangerous drug. It’s what I was not taking into account when I assumed that there was a large population of heroin addicts who, like myself, strive to live normal lives outside the use of the drug of choice. It’s the reason I call heroin Satan’s own drug. It lulls you into thinking that anything you are doing is just fine because at the end of the day, you’ll have your fix, and that’s all that really matters. But it’s not. It’s a complete lie. Whether you use heroin or not, you are still a member of this society, and should be held accountable for the way you treat others, just as someone who does not use. Using drugs in general does not give you a pass to be a derelict, a thief or a cheat. I’ve made my mistakes, I recognize that. I’m certainly not pretending to be perfect. It is much harder to live by our societies standards when you’re dealing with a drug that tells you that you don’t have to live like “they” do, and socializing with people who have already given up any semblance of normalcy in their life, where stealing from your friends and ripping people off in order to come up easier yourself is not only acceptable but expected.
Personally, I’ve rubbed shoulders with those people long enough. I’m done with the games. I’m done with the lies, I’m done being blamed for the crimes of others, I’m done having everything of value stolen from me within hours of getting it. I had to learn my lesson the hard way, a little time in jail was nothing compared to the harsh reality of the unscrupulous behavior that runs the streets. Every single thing I owned at the start of this two years has been stolen, and that is not an exaggeration. My bed, my home, my gifts from Greg, all my furniture, clothes, inherited jewelry, even things of little to no value. Every single thing has been take, multiple times over, in truth. But at least I can say that I am not a perpetrator of such acts. I spread no gossip, I don’t have sticky fingers and I never lie. While this has all left my very disillusioned about the state of my fellow users, I have learned some very valuable lessons. It also makes the few others I meet who also live with integrity, diamonds in the rough who I appreciate very much. Their friendship, and the reminder that we don’t all have to live like gutter trash, is priceless and almost makes learning all those lessons the hard way worth it.
While I have not always lived up to the principles I encourage, I can honestly say that I constantly try. The more I see the way the other side lives, the more repulsed I am by their behavior. Which motivates me to try harder to practice what I preach and to let my integrity and values be the driving force behind all my actions, regardless of what chemicals I choose to put in my body. I hope that there are more drug users out there who try to live their lives the same way. In fact, I know you are out there. Because good people use drugs too.
I guess that’s all I’ve got to say about that. Now I have just one question. What kind of drug user are you?
Opinions, stories and questions are always encouraged in the comment section below 🙂