When you start a blog called Heroin Is My Heroin, you can be almost positive that certain visitors will draw inaccurate assumptions and judgment about your site, based on nothing further than then the name itself. They might not have read a single word beyond the disclaimer page. For example, one might correctly assume that heroin is an overarching theme that is frequently discussed. That would be correct. But other conclusions are less objective and more subjective. Unfortunately, I’m unable come up with an ironclad, irrefutable counter-argument for the one misconception that bothers me the most (and happens to be the most prevalent). My father has said it, some friends have said it, haters have said it. Every time it’s mentioned it bothers me because it has never been my intention for the site. Furthermore, if one was to actually read the full body of work I’ve posted, I think they’d find their first impression to be inaccurate. But of course not many of those making this qualification have read the vast majority of posts (I wonder how many devoted readers actually have read the site in its entirety? I hope some of you do. It’s a pretty impressive body of work, if I do say so myself! 🙂
The assumption is that this is a blog that glamorizes heroin.
In actuality, my intention has always been to present a bluntly honest, true to life, unbiased account of heroin addiction and heroin use, told by someone with firsthand experience who is actively living through it, and not yet “recovered”. But let’s put on our anti-heroin glasses for a moment and try to see things through their point of view. When you first visit the site, two images are immediately apparent, the title and top banner. First, the title – Heroin Is My Heroin. While my intention for the title was in jest towards people who use the phrases, “Sex is my heroin” or “Music is my Heroin.” Well, Heroin is my heroin. Although when confronted with it for the first time, I’ve found that the vast majority (meaning everyone I’ve ever talked to about it) assume I’m actually replacing the later “heroin” with “heroine”. I’m glad that the title has taken on a double meaning. I like that it can be interpreted in multiple ways. It makes it an even more interesting play on words. However, despite the words original origins, (heroin stemming from the Germanic word heroisch, or heroic), it’s definitely more villainess than heroine and nothing I’ve ever looked up to or admired. So, it does kinda bother me that that the initial reaction to my site is that I regard heroin as highly as I would a feminine hero. I assure you that is not the case. So if by chance the name of my blog alone triggers the idea that I’m pro-heroin, I assure you, you’ve misinterpreted my meaning. I’m much more prone to mockery, sarcasm and humorous cynicism than I am hero worship. The original origin of the name was intended as a backlash towards all those naive twits who ignorantly compare their innocent and wholesome love of something proper to the nightmare and complete control by means of forced surrender that heroin addiction entails. I love socks and music too, but only heroin has me in a vise like heroin. Hence, heroin is my heroin. Alright, have we cleared that up? Then let’s move on.
Next, the top banner. A graffiti style graphic displaying the words “Junky Luv”. It can understandably be interpreted as being a positive message about heroin. Its imagery could be seen as slightly anti-establishment, pro-street life, a little rebellious, all things that go hand-in-hand with drug use. The words “Junky Luv” could easily be read as having love for heroin. But again, the inspiration for creating that piece was not to promote the drug heroin, but to empower those who are addicted to it. One of the three main goals of this website is to inspire other heroin addicts, or junkies as I lovingly refer to people like us (as a means to de-stigmatize the word junky). I want to encourage those who feel the weight of world’s hatred to brush off the smut and disgrace that the world has thrown on us, and learn to love yourself – regardless of what you put in your body. Because health should not be determined by the health of one’s veins. Just because you are an injection drug user of the most reviled drug around, doesn’t mean you should act the part they want to to play, Namely, gutter trash, living on the streets, turning tricks all night, and nodding off all day, after leaving your dirty rigs in the school playground, that is. You don’t need to have a low self-esteem, or be homeless, or unemployed, or rob your families, or any of that stuff they portray in the media. In fact, if you’re living a self-fulfilling prophecy because you bought into that nonsense, you’re in critical danger of never doing anything else in life. Without a healthy self-esteem it’s hard to see what you’re actually capable of, how talented you really are or what potential you have to achieve great things in life. Without love for yourself, you’re likely to believe the stereotype eventually. You’ll start to believe you belong on the street, working all day as a petty criminal of one sort or another, stealing for your fix at night, with no other goals or aspiration for your life. And that’s a saddest existence of all. Once you are there, you’re just one step away from losing the desire to live. Because that is no world to live in. Without your will to live, eventually you’ll stop. I don’t want to see anyone go down that path in life, especially voluntarily because they believed some bullshit they were taught in middle school. The people responsible for making others think that about themselves should be the ones criminalized and locked away. They’ve done more damage to the public than the whole population of heroin addicts combined. The blood from countless deaths stains their hands. But that’s another rant for another time. So anyway, for me the term “Junky Luv” is a reminder to everybody out there who’s struggling with the same issue I am, to love and respect themselves and do away with any stigma they’ve held on to, towards themselves, or any other drug user. Make sense? See? It’s not pro-heroin at all. It’s Pro Life. Moving onwards…
After the first visual impression, hopefully visitors start to read some content or browse the header subjects. A natural next step would be to open the Blog Post section. And there you will find content going back for years, so it’s unlikely that anyone is going to sit through all that reading on their first visit, or subsequent visits if they’re a hater. So let me consolidate it for you.
First, I never in any post encourage people to use heroin or any other drug, with the exception of marijuana, arguably. Second, I frequently speak on the negative impact heroin has had on my life or can have on the life of any user. I answer questions that readers write in, usually about the safest or most efficient ways to use heroin, or the dangers associated with heroin use. My responses are factual, well-researched and based on science and firsthand knowledge. I take extreme pride in researching every last detail of something I’m unfamiliar with before posting. You won’t hear the same canned hysteric answers about the dangers of heroin in order to induce fear strong enough to steer anyone clear of the devil drug. You’ll hear those answers any place else you look. Come here if you want the truth. And most likely, the truth is not as bad as you assume it will be. The truth is, heroin is not any worse than any other opiate medication you’ve likely taken by recommendation of your doctor. There isn’t any secret ingredient in it that makes it more dangerous or more addictive than any other opiate. In fact, it’s much weaker than many of the opiate painkillers you’ll find in a hospital setting. It’s just that it was discovered first and banned early. But we still had need for opiate medications, so another version – a stronger version – was soon released and while heroin remained outlawed, dozens of other opiates flooded the market. The truth is, someone without an opiate tolerance probably gets higher taken a Vicodin or two than I do injecting a dime of heroin. On the flip side, to there is danger involved with heroin use because it isn’t regulated by the FDA and because it requires inexperienced users to perform repeat injections on themselves, at great risk to their own health. Put that in context with the scenario described above of a community of street level addicts who are careless with their own lives, let alone the lives of others and you’ve got all the ingredients for a real, large scale health crisis. The problem is that for nearly a century our government has saturated the public with misinformation regarding heroin. So siphoning the fabrications from the truth is nearly impossible, especially if you don’t use. Even the large majority of users don’t know what’s truth or what’s myth. And people are so scared to say anything that isn’t derogatory and demonizing about heroin that the lies just keep perpetuating, gaining momentum with each generation. I don’t deal well with hype. I don’t lie to myself. I don’t rationalize. I don’t victimize. I take responsibility for my own actions. I question everything and take nobody’s word for anything. I educated myself. I can’t stand lies. I won’t pander. I want straight talk. All the time. And drugs fascinate me to an unhealthy degree. I’ve been addicted to just about every addictive drug out there. I’ve made myself a human Guinea pig, testing the safety of any research chemical I can get my hands on. There’s no RoA I’ve shied from or cocktail I haven’t tried. I’ve turned my kitchen into a makeshift chemistry lab and my patio into a psychedelic garden, producing my own GHB, DMT, cocaine, mushrooms, opium poppies, San Pedro, and the list goes on. (Don’t worry, I’ve already been convicted, sentenced and served time for “Running an establishment for sales and manufacturing of narcotics” So I’m not afraid to talk about it here 😉 And in my free time, I do research on the pharmacology of drugs and the like. You’d be hard pressed to find a more candid and qualified person to respond to people’s drug related questions. I’m not pro, I’m not con. I just tell people the truth.
Some argue, “But aren’t you concerned that someone is going to stumble on your site and decide they want to try heroin because of it?” To put it bluntly, no. First, if you are perusing the internet and happen to stumble on my site, you had to be searching heroin related terms. Meaning you’ve already got some interest in it. Chance are extremely likely you’ll fall into one of the following categories…
1.) An active heroin user searching for a specific topic of interest
2.) A drug user, or painkiller addict who’s decided they want to try heroin but are doing the research on it first
3.) A family member or friend of an addict who is online searching for answers that make sense of their loved one’s actions and what they can do to help. (TIP: Read “So Your Friend’s A Junky“).
4.) One of my followers (or haters) from PT or Pink Meth or another site I’m on
5.) You’re into injection porn or have a sock fetish
6.) You’re my parents
Not one of these groups of readers am I in fear of corrupting. If you decide you’re going to do something, you’re going to do it. Nothing and no one is going to stop you, despite logic and rationale. Not a thing in this world will change your mind.
Not only does my site not tell you to use heroin, I frequently suggest NOT using it, if you haven’t already started… “But if you are going to use anyway, do it this way…” I would rather get the correct information into the hands of the people it will benefit than be silent while people take unnecessarily risk and jeopardize their health because of misinformation from those with alternative motives..
Okay, moving forward. Now that I wrapped my blog post section up for you, you might browse around some of the more manageable subsections, like the Haiku Archive. Here’s where it gets a little gray. On this site I have two types of posts, primarily. One being more editorial and the other more AP. The Ask a Junky questions are almost all AP. They are facts. Although I try to make all of my writing entertaining and perhaps a bit humorous if the mood fits, I avoid persuasion in one direction or the other. Among the editorial pieces, I’m including all my poetry, both long form and the daily haiku (like A Love Poem To Heroin), first person narratives (like Monkey on My Back), and introspective rants (like Death to Quest or A Call To Arms). When I’m writing in my creative space, I’m putting on the internet for the world to read in perpetuity my most intimate life details. I post everything on this blog. My biggest secrets are all on here someone. It’s extremely personal and extremely taxing. But I made a commitment to not hide any part of my life from anybody. No exceptions. As as middle aged women dealing with a heroin addiction (a massive drug problem in general, really), the sudden and unexpected death of my partner, the loss of my career, my home and a recent stint in jail, and oh yeah… the rest of the legal sentence looming over my head like the blackest rain cloud of all time, I can be very opinionated. And of course I use heroin as a means of escape. Although when I first started I swore I never wanted to use for that reason, at this moment in my life, I’m fine with it. Anything that helps me cope with the daily stress as I try to pick up the pieces of my life. Ironically, I know I won’t be fully back on track to living my dream life until I kick heroin. But I have to go to rehab to satisfy the courts (I should have been out all ready for 6 months, actually, but hey, who’s counting days on the lame?) so there really is no way I’m stopping before I can find a rehab. Alright, I went on a little tangent there. Basically what I’m trying to say is, yes, there are most certainly haikus and some posts that one to point to and say, “Looking she’s talking positively about heroin!” And they’d be right. But if you were to read the website in its entirety, like previously stated, you would find even more editorial type posts where I talk about the abysmal pits of addiction.
The catalyst for this diatribe a comment left by a lady on deemsterdiva.wordpress.com (I don’t know why people still go there, there’s a big banner that says come here instead, but whatever) saying her daughter recently OD’d and she is saddened by the heroin glorifying going on here. I doubt any of the addicts who read this site are trying to glorify heroin. Nor are our eyes closed to the horrors of its reality. I had a close friend pass away only yesterday from a heroin overdose. Most likely another he was the latest victim of fentanyl being passed off as heroin. Although I’ve personally never gone out, I’ve saved the lives of four people with Narcan and my bare hands. As I’m sure many of you have. That’s real shit. I’ve saved even more lives of people who were suffering with massive infections. I’ve talked people down from suicide. I’m no stranger to the dirtiest, ugliest parts of life. Nor do I shy away from them. The only way I can handle the whole ugly truth is by facing it head on and acknowledging that only I am responsible for putting myself into this situation thanks to a series of bad decisions. But although I’m currently a part of it all, I know that I am better than this. I am stronger and I will not be a victim, but I will help those who are less assured.
Heroin is a part of my life, but it does not make up who I am, though people try to pigeonhole me into that single-focused mold. I want every junky who visits these pages to know that they are greater than one thing. It doesn’t have to define you. Each and every addict has thepotential to be an extraordinarily person with an extraordinarily story to tell. We’ve seen things and done things most people will only see in movies. They probably wouldn’t even believe they happen in real life. And whether we pull through our addiction or not, the character traits we build while in this portion of our life can be quite incredible. They can also be really ugly. And that’s where the importance of a healthy self esteem and the desire to live a life inside the law, with the exception of the buying and selling (and maybe a little manufacturing 😉 of narcotics becomes critically important. We’re used to being the black sheep. We’ve been the black sheep of everything our whole lives. But to be a white sheep in the midst of city full of black sheep running around, takes real courage. Especially when you’re soooo good at being a black sheep, you could be the blackest of the black! Being a white sheep is hard work. It requires self reliance, motivation, determination, fortitude. But it only helps build those spiritual muscles that really make up the essence of who we are.
I might have seemed to venture a little off topic there for a bit, but I was actually trying to make a a point. To put it simply, so that you don’t have to read my mind, when I write what I like to call personal rant posts or creative writing of any sort, you are going to get a biased opinion. There are a lot of topics that I have strong feelings about. But all of them are regarding the people involved in this culture, not the drug itself. I wouldn’t recommend heroin to my enemy. It’s a dangerous drug that people use irresponsibly much of the time and often kills you when you naively try to push its limits. It drags you down into a dirty with slimy people and ultimately makes you want to give up caring about life. Unless you have a strong urgency to not allow that to happen and consciously make an effort against it.
The fact is, there is a portion of the population that is addicted to heroin. It’s part of our lives, at least for the time being. Even most of those with a strong desire and will to quit will not succeed first try. It takes some people years of relapsing on and off before they successfully get clean. Later, you’ll meet some of these people and never have any idea that they had once been addicted to heroin. And it’s really none of your business. Just because they are currently struggling with this affliction, doesn’t mean they are currently bad people who will miraculously turn good the moment they quit. They are and were always good people. And my goal is to give them a place where there is no judgment, where there is plenty of content that relates to their lives, humor only they get, tips on how to make their practice safer and posts with stories of people they identify with. Every deserves to be heard and acknowledged and understood. Before I started this website, I looked for heroin content that was purely entertaining, with very limited success. I did not want to be lectured, I get that enough IRL. I just wanted to be entertained. We already know the dangers of heroin use. We already feel the pain of addiction. We’ve already lived through tragedy and shame and regret because of our addiction. Do we really need to be beat down all of the time? If your child was a heroin addict, wouldn’t you want them to have access to knowledge on how to be safe and minimize the risk of accidental overdose? There are many bland, vanilla websites that are too afraid to give advice that might sound like condoning heroin use. I’m not condoning it. I’m realistic about the fact that some people are going to use, no matter what. I was one of those people and had to struggle through many obstacles to make it happen. But I did make it happen.. Addicts don’t need encouragement, they’ve motivated enough. And I don’t encourage. But I’ll always support, for no other reason than the safety of my community. No one deserves to be judged by anyone other than our Creator. You don’t have to condone someone’s behavior to accept them as they are or to love them. To accept without condemnation is the best way to reach a junky. You won’t see immediate results. You won’t get them to quit. But when they do decide to quit, it’ll be you they’ll turn to for help. To read a beautifully written explanation on how to accomplish this contradictory reaction, I would suggest C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity, the Forgiveness chapter. HERE IS A LINK TO THE CHAPTER (and the whole book, if you so choose) online for free. It’s worth a read. The whole book, I mean.
I know, I got a little defensive with this post. Maybe I stood on my tippy-toes a bit high on my soapbox. But obviously this website is obviously something I put a great deal of time and effort and energy and passion behind. I think that’s apparent to anyone who really digs into it. It’s something I’m very proud of. I was recently the subject of a reddit forum on ridiculous internet content. The OP stated that he knew me IRL as well, and that I used to run the site with the help of Greg before he passed. That’s not even remotely true. If anything he was not a fan of me posting our life’s most intimate details on the web. So I’d like to know who this fucker was. But it’s really unimportant. The point is that most of this type of talk doesn’t bother me. I can brush off most the haters. The amount of support I’ve received dramatically outnumbers the critics. But this one topic is one that comes up almost every time I speak with a naysayer, or even just an antagonist. For that reason AND because I’ve yet to shape a cut and dry response to refute it, it’s the most bothersome. This response is basically my answer to every person who has ever suggested my site is pro-heroin or encourage other to use heroin. Sorry it took eight pages, but it’s building up for a number of years.
If anyone would like to play devil’s advocate and poke holes in my response, please feel free to do so. I welcome the opportunity to fine-tune and condense this long winded answer! And if it’s just tl;dr for you, I completely understand!
For those of you who made it through, I sincerely appreciate it! I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Peace and Love,